A good friend wrote me today – after finding out of a severe health issue for her husband half a world away – of how she gets out of her entrenched victimhood.
Considering what’s on her plate today, this clarity and hope is inspiring. Kudos to her Spirit!..and thank you to her heart.
My thoughts about victimhood have several approaches. Having been a heavy partaker of victim life, I can share. For a period of time, mostly adolescence to mid-adulthood, I lived in the delusion of fear and hurt from abuse, but my reaction also caused me to desire to make the world a better place.
I ask myself, “How did this serve me?”
Being a victim, separated me from those I believed didn’t suffer like me. I could isolate and wallow in the stew of my ‘lesser than’ attitude. It served me to feel justified in my misery and resentments that I worked hard to keep under control. This served me to believe I could really control myself. Yet coming from a victim stance, I admit, never behaved without the victim pathology driving my actions on some level in all my relationships.
What got me to wake up from my victim belief system?
Many things contributed, self help groups, grief recovery, a new bunch of people who were more clear from their victim life. But the one thing that broke the spell was from Pema Chodron. In her book, The Wisdom of No Escape, she teaches Metta practice. That helped. She also said, I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this time. She was saying to let go of the negative attitudes of victimhood but she was also saying, this circumstance or event is normal, purposeful. And if I stop and get quiet, and cease my noisy and busy adaptations, I will feel what I am feeling instead of numbing, and I will begin to digest my unfinished and blocked experiences. Well, it isn’t easy or pretty. This sitting in my victim and not pushing away or fighting allowed my victim party to end. I knew it was over the day I asked my abuser, “What happened to you?” And my abuser melted into a forgivable and hurt human being.
Because, old habits are hard to intercept.
I continued to use my first question, how does this serve me. And I also asked, “What’s the payoff?” Not just serving me but what is my reward that continues to reinforce my automatic default to act from victim beliefs?
I needed another question to assess my actions. “Is anyone hurting me right now?” I needed to interrupt my chronic unconscious self protection.
And my favorite question, “Who are you going to be?”
This question brings me to ask myself, “Am I going to be powerful or pitiful?”
All my questions focus my behavior. I am asked to be conscious, choose from many options, not just from my victim thinking that I only have one option. I am asked to stop taking from others on a psychic level of energy, in order to get my payoff. I ask myself to access my higher self to adjust my attitudes.
Basically, it’s all in the attitude. I mean attitudes.
I am responsible for who I am. My abuser has nothing to do with who I choose to be. In those days when my unconscious was at the wheel, I wasn’t even paying attention to the abuser driving my actions.
My desire to make the world a better place, changed. I stopped working on changing society and began changing me. A better world starts with me. I have to clean up my intentional and unintentional motives and behavior. And I have to adopt the attitude that I cannot control another person’s behavior and they do not control mine.
I take a committed attitude that I will be the best I can be. And some days that is my best revenge. I became a victimless human being, who joins the human race. That means, while I am liberated from those victim experiences, I also have these shared experiences with others, My aura is clear of my history, my old stories and my identity of an abused person.
It is attitude. When I say powerful, this means power over myself. Abusers damage this type of power in a victim. Healthy power still can be learned. When I have power over myself, I am kind to self and others, I am discerning, I am assessing my mental health and my triggers, I am becoming a serene master of my reality.
Thank you to T-shirt Cathy for pic from Ecuador © 2018